I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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