Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
