I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I need to align my fucking chakras
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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