I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You are a genius and a whore.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
