thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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