Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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