I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
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I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
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hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements