Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.