AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
