Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Just high enough for therapy.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
