any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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