Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Randomize
