Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
