i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
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I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
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I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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