I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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