what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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