I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
