Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
