yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just found puke in my bra..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
