she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
