wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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