Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize