Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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