Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
