I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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