I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
she peed on how many people?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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