I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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