why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
