dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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