I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
