I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
