Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
