Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
