i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
