my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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