I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
