What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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