You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
