Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I would ride that face into the sunset
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
