omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
