talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
