Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
