I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize