my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
