I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
