I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
