Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
