spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
