So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
