I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
