he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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