If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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