Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
