My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
