After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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