and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
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I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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